When I was in the fourth grade, I was randomly pulled out of class. The teacher had taken me to his office and instructed me to do a test. At the time, I was unsure what it entailed but nonetheless I took the test and went back to class. Eventually, I would come to find out that this wasn’t just some insignificant task, it would be the factor that determined the course of my education, placing me into a program that would ultimately change who I am and how I deal with language. ESL classes are for students that are learning English as a second language, the problem was, I spoke and knew perfect English. In a way I felt like I was placed back in the time, having to learn a language I already knew, it felt less like learning and more like I was asking to be heard and seen. While I wasn’t meant to be in ESL I was still treated as the other ESL students were. Judged and therefore isolated from the other students and treated differently by teachers. 

I remember coming home having to explain everything to my mother, both trying to understand what had happened. My mother who had come to New York when she was seventeen understood the challenge of having to learn English as a second language. She was surprised knowing that for my entire life all I have known was the English language. Together we realized that the reason this had happened was most likely because of my quietness and anxiety. I had known English my entire life yet my silence was mistaken for a lack of understanding. Although I felt frustrated, there was nothing I or my parents could do, I had already failed the test. 

Everyday I would walk to school, already dreading those classes. ESL classes were often at the same time as my other main courses, meaning I would have to leave in the middle of the class. The same teacher that had me take the test led me to the gym. These classes were in the middle of the gym, where a group of students were grouped together to sit on scattered tables and seats. Although these classes were meant for immigrant students to learn English easier, it was made harder. The class was a lot less organized than regular classes and because there were so many students no one could get one on one attention. It was not a class but a space where the school would hold students to make it seem like they were doing good. From my experience, it was a waste of time because of the fact that I already knew English but seeing it first hand, it was a waste of time for all the students there. 

I was relatively good at hiding it, no one in my other classes knew I was in ESL. One day I was speaking to my close friend and had finally had the trust to tell her. I had realized there were people around us, someone had overheard, and eventually the word spread. Immediately, not only were I treated differently by teachers by now the people closest to me. I was belittled, even by other immigrant students who knew English as well.

I couldn’t quite make sense of how I felt. I was confused, embarrassed and lost and I did not know how to deal with it. What I eventually learned was that language is complicated, it wasn’t just about what you spoke or understood but about how others perceived you. There are so many assumptions attached to English such as the need for it to be perfect. Seeing firsthand what immigrant students faced allowed me to realize and learn the importance of getting to know others, learning about them, their family, who they are because a person is far more than the broken English they spoke. Language is what you make it to be, it is entirely one’s own and what you make of it.